I
struggle with scruples. So much so that I often complain to my spiritual
director that it would be easier for me to be a hermit and just go live in a
cave. It's one of my great weaknesses and something I constantly fight, but
this past week was ridiculous. Looking back I can laugh at how ridiculous I was
being, but in the moment, I really was heartbroken and convinced I was guilty
of mortal sin... because of my Starbucks habit.
Yup, you heard that right. You can laugh. Here's the
story: I found out this week that Starbucks will often match donations that
their employees make. Which lead my scrupulous nature to ponder on the
consequence of an employee deciding to make a donation to an organization such
as Planned Parenthood. Which then lead me to believe I was responsible for
paying for an abortion. Whoa brain, whoaaaaaaaaaaaaa. I'm glad I'm aware of my
scrupulous tendencies and before heading over to the confessional, wrote to my spiritual
director.
Here was his answer: "If the company was making direct
donations to abortions you might consider not buying their products. But even
in this case, I do not think it would be absolutely morally obligatory. The way
things are in our world, you would almost have to live in a cave to not have
some indirect cooperation with evil."
Cheeky spiritual director. God bless
him. Looking back and praying on this, I know that these scruples come from a
burning desire that lives in me. A desire for something more. A state of bliss,
where corruption and evil are no more and I no longer have to consider if my
desires are distorted, but rather have them fulfilled...essentially, I long for
heaven. I may struggle with scruples, but my hope in heaven is stronger. I know
this desire in me was placed there by God and He longs to fulfill it and have
me correspond to His grace. I don't want my scruples to lead me to spiritually starve myself from His love. A love that I'm already experiencing so strongly here on earth, I can't even imagine what it will be like when I rest in His presence. That being said, this afternoon I will go and get myself a chai latte at Starbucks ;)
