Blessed Is She

Have you checked out the devotionals over at Blessed Is She? I started reading them sometime in December. It's the first thing I do now in the morning. Starting the day with His word and inspiring stories from other women has been such a gift. Go check it out!

there I go

Our Lord will care for the souls belonging to Him; and if we beg His Majesty to do so, by His grace we shall be able to aid them greatly. -Saint Teresa of Avila

As my heart grows more attentive to the promptings of the Holy Spirit, a heaviness has been taking me over. I have a false humility and zeal to bring others to Him. I see the sins of others clearly, but fail to examine my own brokenness. I need to remember that I can't personally save souls. Only God can. He can work through me, and I should let Him, but all of my good works are not my own, but rather His. I feel God inviting me to travel further into my soul than I ever have before through this heaviness.

Sorrow is better than laughter; when the face is sad, the heart grows wise. Ecclesiastes 7:3

Lord, may I come to accept the winter of my soul for what it is: not a proof that I have failed in being God and making the world around me perfect, but rather my own cross to bear. There is beauty in suffering for love of others. Let me grow closer to Christ in this suffering, not rob Him of His majesty. When I see others sin, I must remember they are not my creation turning away from my love, but rather my brothers and sisters reflecting my own shortcomings and failures. There I go, but for the grace of God.

the union we seek

Communion: our ultimate purpose. You offer it so willingly. You transform Yourself into this tiny white host, into wine, and beckon me. The Creator present in such an unassuming form... You know my struggle with pride and come to me meek and humble. The concept of God in such a tiny vessel is beyond me; a mystery. This is a love that I struggle to understand and accept.

Can the Creator love His creatures? Of course. My mind knows this. He willed us into being, out of love. Now I must open my heart to this romance. You pursue me: heart, soul, and mind. I so often reject Your advances, satisfied by a pale imitation of Your love, rooted in things of this world. I want to sit at Your table and join You in Your feast. You seek to feed my deepest desires and yearnings. In You, my passions need no taming, they are no longer distorted.

temptation

Vatican Radio's provisional translation of Pope Francis' address to the Synod Fathers: "Dear brothers and sisters, the temptations must not frighten or disconcert us, or even discourage us, because no disciple is greater than his master; so if Jesus Himself was tempted – and even called Beelzebul (cf. Mt 12:24) – His disciples should not expect better treatment."

Lord, guard me from the belief that I am self sufficient. Grant me the humility to acknowledge my brokeness and to seek Your saving. I experienced such a grace filled moment this week. Once more, an old familiar temptation came to me. Demons whispering lies and urging me to sin, but this time was different. I've not fallen into this particular sin for several months thanks to Your grace the intercession of Our Lady. However, this time I was tired. I didn't feel strong. Instead of denying this weakness as I often do, I fell on the ground, to my knees, in despair, and sought You. I asked You for help, to inebriate me with Your most precious blood and to cast these demons into hell.

So often in similar situations I struggle through the temptation by seeking a distraction. I don't face the struggle, admit defeat, and ask for Your help. I would say a quick empty prayer and occupy my  mind with other things. Pride is at the root of this behaviour. Satan doesn't want me to long for my Saviour. He would have me believe that it is of my own merit that I did not sin. His attacks are subtle and I thank the Holy Spirit for the clarity to finally recognize this spiritual attack.

I wish to forever be inebriated by Your most precious blood. You came to the rescue, and answered my prayer immediately. I was flooded by Your grace. Filled with joy and peace; giggling like a small child. I am Yours.

give me wisdom

How light and yet how heavy one’s soul can be at once. So many images flash before my eyes all day long, begging for my attention, but my soul can only find peace when my eyes are fixed on You. I can’t run away from the distractions, they are part of my vocation. Yet I must cultivate sufficient interior life so that I carry You with me wherever I may find myself. I need grace. I need You to help me. I forget about Your unending love and my eyes are so quick to turn away from Your loving gaze. I get caught up in making the right choice, so much so that I reduce you to a tyrant. For if there is a right choice, then there never was a choice all along. You have given me freedom. When I try to forgo the responsibility of choosing and put it in Your hands, I am living passively and as a coward. I wish to live my life in such a way that I continue to get a glimmer of heaven, here on earth: consumed by Your love. I want to bring others joy and such joy can only come from You. Give me wisdom so that I may not be fooled by a counterfeit offer. You are enough. I shall not want. You are sufficient. You are with me, all the days of my life. You hold me in the palm of Your hands. When I’m too caught up in what path I ought to take, let me look to the Saints and how they all lived such different lives. They all brought You glory in unique ways. I do not wish to imitate any other, but You. Guard me from the evil that is comparison, so that I do not grow vain or bitter.

vocational dilemmas

I had the strangest feeling last night as I was falling asleep. I suspect I'm overanalyzing, but I've been so torn when it comes to my vocation, I'm bound to overthink. As I was falling asleep I got this very sudden real feeling that my future spouse was praying for me right in that moment. I don't want to accept it. I'm not sure why. I think there's a part of me that is afraid that if I don't chose a vocation of celibacy, I'm not loving God as much as I can. It's not that I don't see marriage as a sacrament, I do. It's just that my brain  has heard it so many times: "Celibacy is a greater call". Not to mention how my heart turns so often to the Dominicans in Summit, New Jersey. Whenever I think of the future, these Sisters come into my mind.

What if my means to sanctification truly is through marriage? The feeling of my future spouse praying for me last night was so vivid, so strong, I can't shake it off. I've always fought the idea of praying for my future spouse because I was afraid I was telling God I was closed to His will and was gung ho on marriage. I'm deciding to put these anxieties on hold until I see my spiritual director next, but I already know what he will tell me because he's told me numerous times: "God is not a villain. He will not keep your vocation a secret from you".

I'm going to concern myself with my present obligations and duties of the day. That's all our Father truly wants of us: to do little acts with great love.

mirror

Each time anyone comes in contact with us, they must become different and better people because of having met us. We must radiate God's love.
-Mother Teresa

Do I radiate His love? Or am I so caught up in my own affairs that I forget to see Christ in others?

Sunday

This happy day which passed so quickly had also its touch of melancholy; my happiness was full till Compline, but after that a feeling of sadness took possession of me. I thought of the morrow when one had to begin again the daily life of work and lessons, and my heart, feeling like an exile on this earth, longed for the repose of Heaven—the never ending Sabbath of our true Home.
-St Thérèse of Lisieux

Confessions from a Stoic

Every year it's the same. I'm a little too good at being stoic, except when my birthday comes around. Then I swing into dangerously emotional territory. I've become rather quite good at throwing myself pity parties. On the day of my birthday, I so desperately seek to be loved. My heart burns with desire to be affirmed by those in my life. All those days of the year where I supress that desire, I'm further away from God then when I stumble into this scary vulnerability that creeps up on me this time of year. I acknowledge my desire for love and fear that I could never be worthy of that love.

As I pray and reluctantly accept the desires of my heart, I understand that my natural tendency to forgo asking God to answer my desires comes from a place of false piety, modesty and pride. I don't want to bother God with my need for love, so I ignore that need of a Saviour. Isn't it ironic that the love that I so greatly long for, the love that our Father offers us, is the thing I fear most? This is why I dislike my birthday. I desperately search for that fulfilling love everywhere except in Him and thus am never satisfied.

No one can satisfy like He does. The love we experience here on earth from our families, friends and significant others can never fulfill us. They are only meant to be a reflection of His love that directs our hearts towards Him. When we seek to have these people complete us, we let our desires be distorted. Tomorrow, as I turn 23, I want my heart to be wide open and filled with His love. I pray for the humility to acknowledge my total dependence and need for God. Lord, humble me. Help my unbelief. Let my heart rest in You. There, I know all of my desires will be met.

Starbucks and Scruples

Source

I struggle with scruples. So much so that I often complain to my spiritual director that it would be easier for me to be a hermit and just go live in a cave. It's one of my great weaknesses and something I constantly fight, but this past week was ridiculous. Looking back I can laugh at how ridiculous I was being, but in the moment, I really was heartbroken and convinced I was guilty of mortal sin... because of my Starbucks habit. 

Yup, you heard that right. You can laugh. Here's the story: I found out this week that Starbucks will often match donations that their employees make. Which lead my scrupulous nature to ponder on the consequence of an employee deciding to make a donation to an organization such as Planned Parenthood. Which then lead me to believe I was responsible for paying for an abortion. Whoa brain, whoaaaaaaaaaaaaa. I'm glad I'm aware of my scrupulous tendencies and before heading over to the confessional, wrote to my spiritual director.

Here was his answer: "If the company was making direct donations to abortions you might consider not buying their products. But even in this case, I do not think it would be absolutely morally obligatory. The way things are in our world, you would almost have to live in a cave to not have some indirect cooperation with evil."

Cheeky spiritual director. God bless him. Looking back and praying on this, I know that these scruples come from a burning desire that lives in me. A desire for something more. A state of bliss, where corruption and evil are no more and I no longer have to consider if my desires are distorted, but rather have them fulfilled...essentially, I long for heaven. I may struggle with scruples, but my hope in heaven is stronger. I know this desire in me was placed there by God and He longs to fulfill it and have me correspond to His grace. I don't want my scruples to lead me to spiritually starve myself from His love. A love that I'm already experiencing so strongly here on earth, I can't even imagine what it will be like when I rest in His presence. That being said, this afternoon I will go and get myself a chai latte at Starbucks ;)

Good Friday

No one has greater love than this, to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.

John 15:13

penance

This morning, something funny happened during my confession. I was crying may or may not have been a little hard of hearing and the priest had a very thick accent. I was confessing in English (not my mother tongue) and I'm pretty sure it wasn't the priest's either. Long story short, the priest absolved me of my sins and gave me my penance. Problem is, I didn't hear what the priest gave me as my penance and before I had a chance to ask him, he left the confessional!

I recited a dozen of Hail Marys immediately after, unsure what to do and then attended Mass, but did not receive communion. I didn't know at that point whether I was in a state of grace and if I could receive our Lord. After Mass I prayed the Holy Rosary as well (I have a tendency to be scrupulous and was freaking about whether I'd been really absolved of my sins and if my confession was valid pending on the completion of my penance). Then I found this blog post by Fr. John Zuhlsdorf and felt SO MUCH BETTER. Here's an extract from his post:

In normal circumstances, when you are not sure about the penance and you and the confessor are communicating reasonably well. You can always ask for a clarification when in doubt. “Father, I didn’t understand the penance. Could you repeat it, please?”

But that’s water under the bridge at this point.

People will, once in a while, forget the penance that was assigned. This can happen when some well-meaning priest assigns one of those loopy, long, open-ended penances, such as, “Read the seventh chapter of the Second Book of Kings and spend some time under an elm tree counting ladybugs* while you think about the impact your use of fossil fuels has on the environment.”

I'm going to bring this penance incident up in my next confession, but I won't let my scruples get in the way of me and baby J** being in communion at the next Mass I attend, no sir-y! In another post by Fr. John he makes it quite clear:

The validity of the absolution and the efficacy of the sacrament do not depend on whether you do your assigned penance. (...)  

Can. 959: In the sacrament of penance the faithful who confess their sins to a legitimate minister, are sorry for them, and intend to reform themselves obtain from God through the absolution imparted by the same minister forgiveness for the sins they have committed after baptism and, at the same, time are reconciled with the Church which they have wounded by sinning. 

Can. 981 The confessor is to impose salutary and appropriate penances, in proportion to the kind and number of sins confessed, taking into account, however, the condition of the penitent. The penitent is bound personally to fulfil these penances.

In other words, penances are to be given, and the penitent is to do them, not some one else. You cannot pay another person to do them. But this obligation to give and do penances does not affect the validity of the absolution or the efficacy of the sacrament. If the penitent hasn’t done the assigned penance before going to Communion, he is still forgiven and can still go to Communion.

I have so much to learn about my faith. Catholocism is so incredibly rich and beautiful. I'm certain I'll be on my death bed and still feeling like I know so little. I give thanks to God for opportunities like this morning to grow in understanding of my faith. If we're to share the Gospel and the beauty of the Church, then we, as Catholics, need to be well informed!



*This made me laugh so much! DO PRIEST ACTUALLY DO THIS? I know penance is quite a personal matter, but I'm curious to know whether someone has ever really been told by a priest to count ladybugs :P
**Jesus and I speak gangsta to eachother, deal with it

Virtue Challenge: Week 8

Charity & Service
Ever feel stretched thin? Like you want to stop giving and just take care of your own needs? Charity and service will do that to you. They will draw your selfishness up to the surface. Temptation to put your own needs above those of others arises. This week, I really felt like bailing on some of my charity & service commitments. After spending the day at work, the last thing I wanted to do was to extend my time for others, but I'm glad I shut that little selfish voice inside of me and followed up on my commitments. This is what love is all about. Willing the good of the other. Putting their needs above our own. I know God will keep challenging me to grow in virtue, but that is because He loves me. He also wants me to grow in holiness. How can I ever do so if I don't extend a hand to my neighbour and love him as much as I love myself? The Gospel today was a bit of a slap in the face (see what I did there? I like to think I'm clever...or good at making terrible jokes, you choose).

To be noted, I always come out of my charity and service time feeling like I get more than I give. That's how He works.

back to my roots

I've gone back to being a brunette. This shade is slightly darker than my natural colour, but my hair stylist promised it would fade into the right colour. I've also gone back to being a bit of my hermit self. I'm taking a break from Facebook. After uploading this picture on Facebook and Instagram I got some unpleasant personal messages. Some really creepy messages to be truthful. Words can be scary. I won't be reactivating my Facebook account until after Easter, if at all. I'm hoping that during this time, I'll learn to seek God in the moments where I would naturally turn to my phone and check for notifications. If we all turned to God as often as we turned to our phones, maybe there'd be more saints.

On a less sombre note, that novena that I finished on Tuesday and posted about, well I can divulge more details now that I've signed the contract. I've been enjoying working part time post graduation from university, but the last couple of months I have felt ready to work full time. I came to the realization that I was often complaining in my prayer time about not working full time, but not actually asking God for full time work. I was recently invited to go to Madrid in September for Don Alvaro's beatification. I've been dreaming about Spain for the last few years. Thus, I prayed a novena with Don Alvaro, asking him for his intercession: that I may have full time work and be able to afford to go to Madrid in the fall. On the last day of my novena, as soon as my manager came into work, she proposed a contract for me to work on the days that I hadn't been working and a raise. Had I not been about to go back to some clients, I would have burst into tears right there. GOD IS SO GOOD. There is nothing better than knowing that God will give you the desires of your heart when your rely entirely on Him and that what you ask of Him is in accordance to His will. Tomorrow is my first day in this new job, please pray for me!

Virtue Challenge: Week 7

Gentle & kind
This week, in my virtue challenge, I gave a friend some tough love. As women, we often associate kindness as the act of pleasing others. Our love of self can trump our love of others. We crave their approval so we don't always want to tell them they're wrong. Thankfully, God's grace precedes us and when we correspond to it, He can do great things through us! Strive to please the Lord, not others.

thanksgiving

This morning I finished a novena and had my petition answered. Never underestimate the power of God. Through prayer, our wants align themselves with His will and God is faithful in giving us what our heart desires. I'm filled with so much thanksgiving, MY HEART COULD BURST Y'ALL.

Virtue Challenge: Week 6

Warning: I'm not a trained theologian or doctor of the Church. If something here seems to contradict teachings of the Church, note that I do not speak on behalf of the Magisterium.

Pure

This past week I focused on the virtue of purity. The Catechism of the Catholic Church teaches that: "Purity requires modesty, an integral part of temperance. Modesty protects the intimate center of the person" (CCC 2521). Modesty is something I struggle with. I could blame it on our culture and the media, but let's be frank, I'm a product of my choices. 

I'm someone who craves clear guidelines. It's part of my scrupulous nature. However, I didn't want to just focus on rules this week. I want my choice of modesty to come from a place of love. Here are a few of the following questions I've been asking myself this past week:

-Would I wear this if I were going to Mass?

-Would I act like this if I had a husband and he were right beside me?

-Would I want my future husband doing this?

and most importantly:

-Am I reflecting Christ?

-Am I growing in holiness?

Glancing down at my purity ring and asking these questions this past week really helped me in choices that I made. I'm going to keep working on this. Something I want to do in the near future is a second overhaul of my closet. This summer I did a purity purge (I donated some clothing items I deemed immodest). The closer I grow to Christ, the higher my standards become and that includes standards for myself and the way I dress. In moments of vanity, I like to remind myself of this: "Modesty is always beautiful" (G.K. Chesterton). Please keep me in your prayers!

Virtue Challenge: Week 5

Warning: I'm not a trained theologian or doctor of the Church. If something here seems to contradict teachings of the Church, note that I do not speak on behalf of the Magisterium.

Note on last week's challenge: Oooof, the Lord has been answering my Litany of Humility, a little too well if you know what I mean. He keeps drawing my sins to the surface and extracting them like venom from a snake bite. It's painful, but the Lord is purifying me by having me deal with all this pride I possess. So bring on the pain Lord, if it’s what is needed in order for me to be a Saint!

Joyful & Fun
Now, let’s examine this week's virtue challenge. I focused on being joyful and fun. I'm going to talk about how I've experienced temptation to despair, to let go of being joyful and fun this week. I think it might be the understatement of the year when I say I have a tendency to be scrupulous. I’m a perfectionist. I will start things over until it’s JUST right. I’m learning to let go of this need for perfection, but rather, focus on sainthood.

At times, when I do my examination of conscience, I can find myself reflecting and obsessing on venial sins that happened nearly a decade ago. It’s so important to understand the difference between venial and mortal sins in understanding our transgressions against our Father. I was born with the original sin. I suffer from a fallen human will.

When I focus on these venial sins from my past, that I had forgotten and haven’t had a chance to bring up in Reconciliation, I fear I'm not receiving our Lord in a perfect state of grace during Communion. These thoughts come from the enemy. The devil would have me believe that my sin is greater than the ocean of mercy our Lord has for me. He uses scruples to draw me away from God's love and tempts me with despair.

I tend to cope with scruples by spending time in personal prayer and fasting to repent from these venial sins. Our Lord knows we are weak and fallen creatures, but He loves us and has so much mercy and justice. If He didn't, we would never be worthy of receiving the Eucharist. Without His mercy, only Mother Mary would be worthy of Communion, in her immaculate conception.

Lord, I am not worthy to receive You, but only say the word and my soul shall be healed

Saint Josemaria put it best when he wrote: “Get rid of those scruples that deprive you of peace. What robs you of your peace of soul cannot come from God. When God comes to you, you will realize the truth of those greetings: My peace I give to you... My peace I leave with you... My peace be with you... And this peace you will feel even in the midst of tribulation”.

***

N.B. Do NOT purposefully omit to confess venial sins in the sacrament of Reconciliation. Do know, that any sins that you honestly forget to confess are forgiven when you receive absolution, but bring them up at your next Confession when you do remember them. It is good to confess these sins in prayer, but why deny yourself the amazing grace our Lord grants you through Reconciliation? The enemy will try to fool you into thinking that your venial sins have a stronger hold on you than God's grace. Jesus died for your sins. Keep these verses in mind:

John 3:22-24 For there is no distinction; all have sinned and are deprived of the glory of God. They are justified freely by his grace through the redemption in Christ Jesus

John 1:14 And the Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us, and we saw his glory, the glory as of the Father’s only Son, full of grace and truth.

2 Corinthians 12:9 “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weaknesses.” I will rather boast most gladly of my weaknesses, -in order that the power of Christ may dwell with me.

Virtue Challenge: Week 4

Drama, it's a major turn off

This week I worked on not creating drama or being involved in it. For the sake of keeping this up, I can't really write much about how I lived this virtue this week. Let me just say this: praying the Litany of Humility is not easy, but I know it helped me with this week's virtue challenge. Go and pray it now (until you mean it... I know, it hurts!).

Virtue Challenge: Week 3

Prudent
This past week in my virtue challenge I focused on the virtue of prudence. Prudence is a "pivotal virtue that disposes us to discern what is good in a real-life situation and to choose the best means for obtaining it. Prudence empowers us to make sound, practical decisions that help us achieve our goals." (Dear Prudence).

Well, in my quest to grow virtue, life has been kind enough to give me a challenge in the last seven days that would test me in prudence. I was asked by a certain young man to go visit him at Madonna House in Combermere. For you Catholics out there reading this, you might think, ohhhh, that's nice. A young lad wants to get to know you better in a wholesome Catholic environment. 

Wrong. 

I'm quoting my spiritual director here: "It's not immoral to go, but is it the best thing?" Bless him. He's so full of wisdom. He never quite tells me what to do, but has a way of making me realize what it is I ought to do (I guess what I'm saying is that my spiritual director directs me spiritually, bingo). Also, my spiritual director used to live with Saint Josémaria. How cool is that? We often forget that the saints are much closer to us than we realize (go check out 263 of Evangelii Gaudium and then come back here).

Breakdown of the elements of a prudent act according to Leon J. Suprenant:
(1) deliberation—taking account of all the relevant principles, facts, alternatives, etc. 
(2) judgment—coming to a sound decision 
(3) execution—implementing the decision


Here's why it's not the best thing for me to go:
1) The facts: This young man has told me he feels called to seminary. He's also told me he's attracted to me. I'm attracted to him as well.

2) Judgment: Although Combermere is a safe place to potentially start a courtship, would my going there be of any help in this young man's discernment? No. A longing for human affection is normal, but God does not call us to be governed by our emotions/feelings. If this young man is truly being called to seminary, spending time with a girl for which he feels attraction is going to make that call harder to accept. I really do not want to be responsible for making someone disobey God's call. If not only for that reason, I need to guard my heart. I can honestly say that I would be unable to spend a week with this young man and not grow attached and give him part of my heart.

3) I told the Registrar at Madonna House that I wouldn't be visiting after all. I'm writing a letter to send to the young man explaining why I won't be visiting (it'll be quite similar to this post).

Bam. Week 3 of my virtue challenge completed.