Confessions from a Stoic

Every year it's the same. I'm a little too good at being stoic, except when my birthday comes around. Then I swing into dangerously emotional territory. I've become rather quite good at throwing myself pity parties. On the day of my birthday, I so desperately seek to be loved. My heart burns with desire to be affirmed by those in my life. All those days of the year where I supress that desire, I'm further away from God then when I stumble into this scary vulnerability that creeps up on me this time of year. I acknowledge my desire for love and fear that I could never be worthy of that love.

As I pray and reluctantly accept the desires of my heart, I understand that my natural tendency to forgo asking God to answer my desires comes from a place of false piety, modesty and pride. I don't want to bother God with my need for love, so I ignore that need of a Saviour. Isn't it ironic that the love that I so greatly long for, the love that our Father offers us, is the thing I fear most? This is why I dislike my birthday. I desperately search for that fulfilling love everywhere except in Him and thus am never satisfied.

No one can satisfy like He does. The love we experience here on earth from our families, friends and significant others can never fulfill us. They are only meant to be a reflection of His love that directs our hearts towards Him. When we seek to have these people complete us, we let our desires be distorted. Tomorrow, as I turn 23, I want my heart to be wide open and filled with His love. I pray for the humility to acknowledge my total dependence and need for God. Lord, humble me. Help my unbelief. Let my heart rest in You. There, I know all of my desires will be met.

Starbucks and Scruples

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I struggle with scruples. So much so that I often complain to my spiritual director that it would be easier for me to be a hermit and just go live in a cave. It's one of my great weaknesses and something I constantly fight, but this past week was ridiculous. Looking back I can laugh at how ridiculous I was being, but in the moment, I really was heartbroken and convinced I was guilty of mortal sin... because of my Starbucks habit. 

Yup, you heard that right. You can laugh. Here's the story: I found out this week that Starbucks will often match donations that their employees make. Which lead my scrupulous nature to ponder on the consequence of an employee deciding to make a donation to an organization such as Planned Parenthood. Which then lead me to believe I was responsible for paying for an abortion. Whoa brain, whoaaaaaaaaaaaaa. I'm glad I'm aware of my scrupulous tendencies and before heading over to the confessional, wrote to my spiritual director.

Here was his answer: "If the company was making direct donations to abortions you might consider not buying their products. But even in this case, I do not think it would be absolutely morally obligatory. The way things are in our world, you would almost have to live in a cave to not have some indirect cooperation with evil."

Cheeky spiritual director. God bless him. Looking back and praying on this, I know that these scruples come from a burning desire that lives in me. A desire for something more. A state of bliss, where corruption and evil are no more and I no longer have to consider if my desires are distorted, but rather have them fulfilled...essentially, I long for heaven. I may struggle with scruples, but my hope in heaven is stronger. I know this desire in me was placed there by God and He longs to fulfill it and have me correspond to His grace. I don't want my scruples to lead me to spiritually starve myself from His love. A love that I'm already experiencing so strongly here on earth, I can't even imagine what it will be like when I rest in His presence. That being said, this afternoon I will go and get myself a chai latte at Starbucks ;)